Of Places, Of Feelings

Tik, tok. Tik- lost. Distracted. Lost. Distracted. That clock won’t start ticking any slower, will it?

Is that how a ticking clock usually sounds, anyway?

 

My mind has, once again, gone places as I (am trying so hard to) listen to this lecture on- what is it again? I honestly don’t really listen. Why can’t my brain make up what the lecturer is saying? Am I in my right mind?

 

Can we really be ‘in our right mind’, at this point in time? Frankly speaking, this point of every graduating students’ lives is daunting. Adulthood awaits you the moment you handed in your last assignment. People tell you, you’re going to have to deal with a lot of changes in your life after this. Well, it’s not like we hadn’t encounter changes, face-to-face before. In fact, we see them all the time. It’s as simple as me, developing these weird habits of; going for quick morning jogs when I’m such a couch potato, studying in spaces I used to hate and started sipping alcohol (after deciding to stop 324845 years ago!). Maybe it wouldn’t be that big of a deal to most people. To me though, it is something. I’ve done a good job sticking to the do’s and don’ts I made before I went to Melbourne. But this whole leaving thing just cancels out every balance I’ve tried to work on. It’s as if the world wants me to let loose. As if it’s telling me that I can’t go without giving proper lasts to my firsts in Melbourne, when I’ve only got two months left. Plus, I thought it would be the perfect time to feel and to dwell on my own- whatever I’m feeling. 

 

I was never a fan of the clichés, but while I was trying to process these changes – what they mean to me, I’ve had moments of realization. Or rather, episodes of me resisting to transition to adulthood. That it frustrates me when everything suddenly becomes choices. Choices so diverse, decisions so certain. That it frustrates me to know, everything I thought was right might not actually be right. And everything I thought I am might not actually be me. And this thing called doubt, knocked on my door to convince me that I have taken the clear sky with quite literally shimmering stars during the drive back from a road trip and even the corners that I spent most of my time with my closest in – for granted. That I may not have done enough for the place that has witnessed me conquering my fears and anxieties in this hard knock life. There, I began to second-guess my decision to stay or leave for good. But I didn’t want to acknowledge it, I just shoved them right up. I am obviously in denial, I need to escape adulthood, I thought.

 

The idea of letting go of the constants – Melbourne, the people, the corners and mostly, the feeling, sucks. I felt like I needed escapisms. Like I needed to satisfy the urge to give lasts to my firsts hence, the ‘new’ habits. Maybe part of the reason is because I’m trying to convince myself that I am capable of trying out new things, not merely because I wanted to. Isn’t this what is expected by adulthood, being all ready to take risks and accept consequences? I thought I would never be suited for adulthood until I realized that it’s not me that doesn’t suit. My denial and adulthood are actually the two things that don’t quite match. Denying, running – I don’t think that’s how you get by. Maybe I should learn to accept the fact that I will soon be leaving all of this. If this is all too beautiful then maybe, the least I could do is to grow further from how Melbourne has made me. If this is all too sweet then maybe, letting go is the way forward. Maybe it’s the same with people, leaving a place you have been so fond of might not be the same as forgetting the memories you made. Wow, just how much a place could make you feel. Ten years from now when I look back, I’ll see flashes of us back when we went on road trips or walking home from late-night snack bars, the library, or even after a fulfilling karaoke session. It’s a process. And I’ll tell you all about it when our paths once again cross each other.

 

Off to the infinite I go, for now.